The Long and Short of It

Eli Long

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The ACT is something all high schoolers must take at some point in their high school career. It is an impenetrable gate that either grants a future and success to those who score highly, or much like the relationship between rebels and deathstars, destroys hope of ever going to college. Something I noticed, however, during my stay in the standardized testing torture dungeon, was a few completely vestigial things which have inspired today’s editorial.

When you are finished with the hours on filling bubbles, you are confronted with a moral challenge. The proctor tells you that you must copy the statement above on your paper, confirming you haven’t cheated and you are in fact the one taking the test. Now, I’ve never cheated on a standardized tests and my plans to are as non existent as the hair on my editor’s head, but I anticipate if I did, I would not feel morally obligated to tell the truth on this portion of the exam. It seems as though this is rather useless. What person in their right mind would admit guilt in such a silly manner. Who do they think this is going to catch? And is it someone’s job to go over every single test’s authenticity statement? Is someone being paid to look through tests and think to themselves, “Yep, that looks like they mean it to me,” or “Nope, that looks like a bunch of hooey to me”?

Another useless thing on the ACT is the phobia of mechanical pencils. They require a number two pencil so the machine can read the tests. Fair enough, but yet they still are stuck in the wooden pencil technology way of thinking. Why can’t I just use the mechanical pencil I brought? Many boxes of mechanical pencils even come with a seal that declare they are Scantron safe so the ideal that a constantly dull wooden pencil is superior in testing is useless.


On the topic of useless things, I also recently heard the cover of “Sound of Silence,” written by Simon and Garfunkel by the metal band Disturbed. I came to the conclusion that this song also has no use. The scary Darth Vader looking mountain on the cover gives a promise of some hard rocking Simon and Garfunkel (not that I would appreciate that either) that the song does not deliver. Instead, the cover is at some points even slower than the original, begging the question of why they felt the need to remake the song at all. A general rule for most metal bands in the world would be to leave Simon and Garfunkel alone for the time being, although coincidentally Art Garfunkel also seems to be rather useless in the duo as well.


Moving forward with this list of useless items, the spotlight shifts to the Transformer movies. First off, I would like to clarify that the first Transformers movie is in no way a good movie. Since the first movie is arguably unnecessary, it would follow that all three (soon to be four) sequels are also quite unnecessary. And useless. If I wanted to see a large computer generated robot punch a gas truck to blow it up, I would simply watch the first Transformers movie. Or, if I became bored watching the same truck/robot fights from the first movie, I could even watch the second movie. Three and four though? That just seems like gratuitous and unnecessary robot/truck explosions. Many movies are following this pattern, namely the Fast and Furious movie which much like the Transformer movies were not good to begin with.


The final useless thing on this list is the toupee on the top of Donald Trump’s head. Like all toupees before it, and that will come after, it is not fooling anyone. It would be a far more prudent decision to accept baldness with dignity and class. Then again, dignity and class are not really his forte.

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